Instalment Two

Days of Heaven

The God of Absence was having a tough time sleeping. He worked too hard granting prayers. “God,” people would say after a big night out on the tiles “there is no way I can make it into work today,” and lo, bosses and co-workers would believe in a fictional sickness(1).

But who believed in him? Who really believed in Absence?(2) His greatest achievements involved remaining unseen(3). It was just too depressing, he could barely face the idea of going into work. And now the office was open-plan seating(4) he was stuck listening to the whinings of the God of Abstinence.

She was a stuck up bitch, Lord give him strength. Always telling him he shouldn’t drink so much or on the phone to her one friend talking about the guy she was dating and how they were taking it slow. And ever since she came up with the whole “promise ring” idea she couldn’t put a foot wrong, the boys down in marketing(5) loved her.

“Fuck it,” The God of Absence thought, “I’m calling in sick.” He phoned Old Pete(6) at the front gate, explained he couldn’t stop shitting, had a slug of scotch and went back to bed.

(1) - The God of Absence was a big fan of irritated bowels, otherwise known as “can’t stop shitting.” It was the one excuse no one wanted to argue with and doesn’t require the use of a “sick voice” on the phone.
(2) – In all fairness, it is tough to believe in someone who by definition is never present when you need him most.
(3) – His greats work was, and still is the absence of God. Theologians and philosophers have long argued what exactly an absence of God signifies. Known as “The Absence Theodicy”, the argument states that if "God" is "goodness", anything not good such as evil and suffering is the absence of God. Therefore, the absence theodicy claims that God is not responsible for evil, merely for good. Well I really don’t understand any of that, but what we all should be able to agree on is that the absence of God must surely prove the existence of the God of Absence.
(4) – For some reason the higher-ups had brought in a management consultant that scrapped personal cubicles and arranged the office in an alphabetical, open-plan lay out. The God of Absence was now working on the same floor as the Gods of Abhorrence, Absolution (who was always very busy), Abstraction and Abbreviation amongst others. There was even some weird, balding, Australian guy called Garry who claimed that he was once a cat and people used to worship at his feet and call him God.
(5) – Marketing had long since been out-sourced to Hell. It makes sense really, they were willing to take on absolutely anyone as a client and were gurus at merchandising. Who do you think can up with wearing the cross as a necklace, it is not as if that is in anyway tasteful when you think about it.
(6) – Old Pete had been in charge of security at the front gates as long as anyone could remember, dear old fellow, a saint really. Not much to look at him, but if you weren’t on his list there was no getting past him. Much like the bouncer of a fashionable nightclub – name not on the clipboard? – “sorry mate, not tonight, private function I am afraid.”